Difficult

I don't know what insanity led me to believe that things would somehow get easier once I knew, for sure, where you stood.

I mean. Maybe if I had been wrong… maybe if it had all just always been my imagination.

But it hasn't.

I love you. And you love me.

And we cannot be together.

THAT. That is hard.

I've had thoughts the past few days… Now, I imagine you have been, too. Probably not for the first time… but maybe, really, seriously… for the first time.

Could we make it work. Could we get away with it.

Can we love each other, without hurting the ones who love us?

And it just… doesn't seem likely. Not in a way that would satisfy either one of us.

I've tried, and tried, and tried to find some way. We've talked about things… polyamory (in abstract, but… she isn't up for it… though also… I hate to say this but, she would not be up for it… involving… him).

Thought about just… calling the whole thing off.

I almost called the whole thing off tonight. No prompt, no argument, she wasn't being annoying or grating or degrading or any of her usual things… but I just. I just… I need a clear path to you. I need you. I need you.

For so many things, but right now I need your shoulder to rest my head on while your sweet voice lulls me to finally sleep…

I can't. I can't divorce her while our child is in crisis. His life has already become complicated enough…

But I can't… I can't stop loving you.

This isn't me. This was never going to be me. And yet…

And yet, it is. I've fallen so thoroughly in love with you. And I know now, I know that you love me, too.

So… what are we going to do?